Koby

I can’t concentrate on work today. I feel agitated. Koby, the dog of my father in Carmona, is sick. Me and Koby had never been close, hell, I could count in my fingers our few encounter. Koby is a Labrador. He has been my Father’s and my brother’s pet since I was in college. His loud barking always give me a scare whenever I visit Father in Carmona. He terrified me. Over the years however, me and him seemed to go along very well, a bond which I couldn’t understand. I am not fond of dogs, or any animals for that matter. I am a stranger to any feelings of attachment other beings felt for animals such as dogs and cat. But I unconsciously grew fond of Koby. Maybe my Father’s, “Koby would not do anything harm to you, don’t worry” soothed my nerves. We meet only a few times, but whenever I’m in Carmona I would always throw foods on his way so he would not bark at me anymore. I would open the door / the gate where my Father locked him so he could lay off somewhere else, at his own choice. There was one experience with Koby that I could not forget. It was Sunday. We always met on Sunday. Mother and Father woke up early to buy groceries in the nearby market. They briefly woke me up to tell me that I would be alone, but to not worry because Koby is with me, he was lying next to the bed. I said okay. I returned to sleep. After a while, I woke up to a sound of scratching. It was Koby. I just lay there, then fall asleep once again. I woke up, made an effort to look about me and saw Koby lying at the side of the bed, sleeping. It was pure comfort. He never moved away from my side the entire time. It made my heart ache right now thinking about it. What more with my Father who shared thousand memories with Koby, it must be so hard. I do not know what is going on, we know he is sick, maybe because he is getting old, perhaps it was negligence on our part as pet owners. This was not the first time he got sick. When he was a year old or so my brother took him to the vet 50/50, he survived. This time it is a lump in his chest, my Father told us. This time it just Father and him. My brother got married. Financial support at this time is scarce. I am left frustrated. I did what I know I could. I tried to do further research for some home remedies cure. I promised my Father to get him to the vet when money arrives this week, hopefully it arrives this week, we don’t deserve you, Koby, but we are praying that you endure and give us more days until hope arrives. Don’t leave my Father just yet. 

Prayer of the Puer by Sheila Heti

Chapter 7 

Page 58 

I am writing a play. I am writing a play that is going to save the world. If it only saves three people, I will not be happy. If with this play the oil crisis is merely averted and our standard of living maintains itself at its current level, I will weep into my oatmeal. If this play does anything short of announcing the arrival of the next cock - I mean, messiah - I will shit into my oatmeal. 

Who among us will be asked to lead the people out of bondage, only to say, God, I have never been a good talker. Ask someone else. Ask my brother instead of me. There is no way to accomplish what I feel I must accomplish with this play. There is no way in heaven or on earth! I am the wrong person to do it. Look at the shitty red hoodie I am sitting here in. Look at my dirty running shoes. I have such small breasts. God, shouldn't you call upon a woman with greatbig knockers, who the people will listen to? Why do you call on me, who doesn't have the cleavage to capture the world's attention? Ask my sister instead of me, whose big breasts are much more suited to doing your work. 

May the Lord have mercy on me for I am a fucking idiot. But I live in a culture of fucking idiots. I cannot be saved if not everyone is saved. If everyone around me talks nothing but shit, how can I hold myself aloof? My fate is not separate from everyone else's fate. If one man or one woman can stand up and call themselfs saved, that means we all are. And I know I'm not, so no one is. 

All were offers.

I got a call from someone today, it was an offer to write a script for a specific project. I said okay, anytime. Few months back, I got a call from another someone, it was an offer to write PR for Grace Poe. I said okay, anytime. Few more months before, or was it last year, a text came from a friend telling me that a friend of hers is looking for someone who could write a novel for the game application they are establishing. Again, I said okay. Two weeks ago, a friend, a colleague, and a boss asked for a favor all at once, "vane favor, patulong ako sa paggawa ng letter. I love you vane" says one, "will you be able to write an angle to this story, give me a deadline on when can you do it" says two, "vane, can i asked for a favor? Can you compose my answer to these interview questions? Deadline is today." All offers included a praise of how good of a writer my soul is and other blah blah blahs of the world they could think of. All were offers. Whatever art came from it, I have no idea.

They say a writer never forgets the first time he accepted a few coins or a word of praise in exchange for a story, oh that sweet poison of vanity in the blood, have I succeeded in not letting anyone discover my lack of talent?

like love haha wow sad angry

I'm back! Kaway kaway sa mga fans na nag-aabang ng panibagong shit post (wow haha!) Isang buwan rin! Ang tagal ko ring binalak magsulat ulit rito noong isang linggo habang nagwawalis, noong nakaraang araw habang naghuhugas ng pinggan, noong kamakalawa habang nakatingin sa profile picture ng crush ko na sweet na sweet sa girlfriend nya, noong isang gabi habang nagpipigil ng inis, ng kaba, ng ihi, ng tae habang nasa bus sa kahabaan ng napaka-trapik na alabang-zapote road pauwi galing sa nakakataeng eight to five na trabaho, at ngayon habang nagpipigil ng kaantukan kasi kapag pinalipas ko pa ito mawawalan na naman ako ng ganang magsulat, pero mas okay na rin siguro yun kesa naman di makatae, di ba? Mas mahirap tumae ng tubol. Horror. 

Ang dami ko ring inipon na energy bago nito, ang dami dami kong gustong ikwento, samu't-sari, like love haha wow sad angry ika nga ni Facebook, so many feels, like yung i-kwento sayo in perfect details yung four weeks old na experience ko sa kasal ng pinsan ko sa Leyte, kung gaano kalungkot (and very philosophical at the same time encountering the clouds of Hayao Miyazaki up there.) bumyahe mag-isa ng walang pera kasi ang mahal mahal ng ticket ng cebu pacific tapos may kapal ng mukha pa rin silang mag-announce ng delayed flight at i-reduced into dusts kaming mga client nila na pumila para makakuha ng libreng rasyon na instant noodles na chicken flavored, gusto ko rin sana i-share step by step like some bad ass expert yung DIY experiment na ginawa ko sa hair ko, pati sana yung kain namin ni Eduard sa Mary Grace, kung paano kami nangati during and after kasi sosyalin pala yung napasukan namin (pero in fairness ang sarap ng lemon water nila ah, or was it lemon? LOL), pati rin sana kung paano ako nakatapos ng libro ni Charles Dickens titled Great Expectations sa loob ng ilang buwan, kung paano ako na-nosebleed habang binabasa ito sa byahe papasok at pauwi galing ng trabaho, kung gaano ako ka-pretentious kasi half of the words written there eh hindi ko naman talaga maintindihan pero nakakaiyak, it made me whole, it me want to find my own Great Expectations (wow), kung gaano kasarap ang large coke ng Mcdo after an 1 hour and 30 minutes of giggling giggling pacute pacute lang jog with Dhei sa Grandstand ng Philippine Army, kung gaano ako ka-desperate na makatakas na sa lunggang ito na hindi ko na inisip kung ano ang magiging consequence or consequences basta alam ko natext ko nalang ang dating producer ko kung pwede pa, kung may chance pa bang makabalik ako sa mundo na nagpaparamdam sakin ng maraming feels, emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually, pag-ibig feels, sana ako nalang, sana ako nalang ulit ang drama ko, kung gaano ako ka-apolitical, ka-undecided, at ka-dead fish who just swim to the current sa kung sino ba talaga ang iboboto ko, kung gaano pala ka-big deal sa ibang tao ang magpa-grey hair, kung gaano ako ka-ignorant sa laman ng Bible that I just nod my head with an almost indifferent countenance of, "uhuh? Is that so?", kung gaano ka-bitin yung Zambales trip namin last weekend, kung gaano ka-indifferent yung dagat sa mga feelings na isinisiwalat namin sa kanya habang nakalusong kami, ang dami, ang dami kong gusto ikwento... pero ni isa doon, wala parin ang kwento ng pagkakaroon ko ng boyfriend. Saklap no? Iyon lang naman talaga ang gusto kong maging totoo sa buhay ko ngayon (not serious here lol) 

Mga isang buwan na paghihintay pa ulit, no? Siguro, malay natin. 

Tangina. 

Disconnect.

There's too much disappointments in my life right now, I dare myself to disconnect for a while. And I am not even talking about love shit here. Love, why, it's just a spec of matter drifting to a much bigger matter that matter. So, 'til I get that peace of mind, see you then? :) I hope, to whoever you are reading this, I hope, I really really hope you're finding a fine balance in your world. Keep moving, Continue breathing. X

Screaming Yellow

Another week lies upon my feet, in a few hours it will be Monday again, I will hate my life once again. So before I restore the "hate" that boils out every time Monday appears on my very sight, not to say being able to look at someone you call professionally "higher" than you are, who you personally think is very, uh, how do say ugly very respectfully? I hate it seeing ugly. My thoughts are ugly, my soul is hateful, what good comes if I see ugly, at least have the decency to have your appearance as higher as your professionally higher status, man it's so hard to rant things out so beautifully, I want to spat ugly words, but yeah it's one of the

many things why I hate Mondays nowadays. And to even talk about Monday like a very important tight ass son of a bitch is, gah, I hate it. So before few hours of it arrives, let me subject myself to a topic of happiness, gratefulness and other adjectives of positivism. Shall we? :) (Disclaimer: Well, not really. Haha don't take my word for it. It's one of my dreams of becoming a very unreliable writer someday lol)

Two weeks ago, exactly at this hour, or much later, I pulled myself out from bed, opened my laptop and seek out job posts online. I saw one to my resume's liking. It was from an unknown AM (AM is an understatement, I bet nobody's even watching it except themselves lol semi kidding) tv program from an unknown channel. (Disclaimer: this didn't turned out to a "Yehey! Finally! I get to have another fucking job" shit. This is the fun side story of it. Just to redeem the experience of it. Or at least let me try, or else I'll just end up crying screaming horseshit " I'm not worth any goddamn thing" thing up in the air where He is smoking, probably laughing, whispering, "you can do it, Child") so anyways, so see, I sent an email, received a text message of an interview invitation the following day after that, said yes, lied to the government I am currently serving (contract of service) to hopefully serve another government (well, sort of), besides the 3 hours travel with my ass sitting on fire because, what do you know, EDSA, it was a surprise I didn't make it to outer space, it went pretty well, I say, but I can't bring myself to put a period to this story, so shall I go on to the I "received another text message for an interview invitation" few days after that, this time in Paranaque area where their HR office is located, it's a pretty complicated collaborated business, you see, the job is in QC, the HR is in Sucat, so anyways, man I was running out things to sort an excuse to skip work, I was already double doubting if it was even reasonable fighting for this goddamn thing, the follow up interview came up, what I supposed as a very short follow up one turned into a goddamn almost whole day, the exam was rotten. I could imagine myself crumpling it, or hoping of crumpling it after I get that news thru email that I didn't get the job, uttering "what a waste" the whole time to the HR's faces. You made me climb the very unsafe Coastal overpass to get to that fucking interview, you made me, and the other applicants wait almost the whole day, nerve to the bone, gasping for that hot air of "what might be", anticipating for that few minutes of pleasantries called "interview" shit. And what a fool we are, we've actually waited. It was actually my first time going to the airport not because I'm about to meet a family, relative, friend or go travel myself, but to spend an entire one and half hour lunchtime, eating a Burger Steak take out from Jollibee while balancing it on my lap, all the while staring at some "under construction" sign. Define a day, eh? It wasn't even Monday. During this entire process, I was with someone, an applicant for another position but to the same company. Her name was Ann. She was a fresh graduate. You wouldn't see it in her face. Or in her eyes for that matter. She was pleasant, she was adorable, I couldn't being so sarcastic and calm when I was her age (wow parang ang tanda ko na, feeling wisdom-y all of a sudden lol), she was one of the two things who made that experience upside right. The other one thing was Bennett, he was the person in charged with the HR, yes, the one that made us wait for almost a day. We seemed to be just of same age. So I had on my appearance a 20% stance of "I slightly disrespect you, you who made us wait and waste our time." What's the good thing about it? He was of the same University as I. The moment I said, "I am a graduate of Adamson blah blah", he started as if it was his first time reading my resume. My, if St Vincent wouldn't be so proud. Two human beings got cultured in a university dedicated after Him, now acting their part in the big big very wild corporate world. "Here's my chance at getting this" was my thought few seconds after that, when one experience immunity, you tend to overshare your weaknesses and less on the strength, and I did that, hell if I wasn't rumbling things as if I knew him my entire life. So when one week after that hell and heaven of a day I found out that I didn't get it, I pounced. It's only now that I get the chance to see it clearly (come to think of it, it's only now that I thought maybe it was a trick from him to get to me, to ruin my life lol), I mean, the ever "everything happens for a reason" shit right after I've get my head turned blonde, so blonde, no other Bennett of any HR company I would apply to the next time could get to my head . Ever. Mind you, I even managed to  post something like, "When bubble dreams burst outta your head, you don't blame the person or the circumstance who burst it, it's you, the dreamer, THE LOSER and nothing else, what better way to stop bursting, bleach it, bleach it til it can't burst no more" shit on social media with a picture of me all yellow. I was silly. But I'll reach that California Dreamin', and be bleach even more, and you, all HR of the world, all the Bennett of the world, all the Patricia Evangelista of the world (I had a very memorable - read that as horrible - experience of being interviewed by her) who get in the way of me reaching that dream, wait for that "I'll see you in my Office at 3am in the morning or else!" burst out of my mouth! Lol come the day. With that, I'd see peace with fingers pointing on you, and goodnight :) here's how yellow I was and still am from the experience hahaha 

The Wireless Fidelity Zone.

The - 

"Wala na kong girlfriend.”

“Ano?”

“Wala ‘kong girlfriend.”

“Wala kang girlfriend o wala ka nang girlfriend. May difference yun.”

“Does it matter?”

“Oo naman. Kung kaka-break mo pa lang, malamang ako gagawin mong rebound. Lalambingin mo ‘ko, sasabihan ng “ang ganda-ganda mo”, ng “you make me so happy”, “I really, really like you”, tanginang I really like you yan, tapos maniniwala ako tapos magugustuhan din kita tapos aasa ako na mamahalin mo ‘ko tapos pag mahal na mahal na kita, mawawala ka na lang, papaasahin mo ‘ko, aalis ka na lang na parang walang nangyari, na parang wala kang pusong pinaasa, leche ka, hayup ka, hayup kayong lahat.”

Mapapatigil si girl, nakatingin lang sa kanya si boy.

“Okay ka na? Masaya ka na? Magaan na ang loob mo? Nailabas mo na lahat?”

Titignan siya nang masama ni girl.

“Wala akong girlfriend.” -

Zoned. 

Written by Direk Antoinette Jadaone titled "Excerpt XX. INT. INUMAN PLACE, SINGAPORE. NIGHT." on her blog ilayailaya.wordpress.com