What's the one thing that holds true in your life?

Hello, my precious reader! It's been two weeks of utter silence here. I just can't bring myself to write anything. Nobody's reading this anyway, except me. Haha! In my head right now is this Taylor Swift Blank Space and I'm not really in the mood to write anything particular like pahabain ang "what's your mundane lousy and forgettable experience ever today beside sa ilang araw mo nang hindi nakakasabay sa byahe yung crush mo na stranger?" question sa sarili, but I can't sleep yet, naligo kasi ako and growing up, I was told not to sleep with my hair wet. Ewan ko kung saan nag-originate ang paniniwalang ito, kung ginawan man ng storya to ng ijuander, hindi ko napanood. Haha! Pero when you think about it, parang ang babaw. Pero when you really try to really really think about it, the way Kris Aquino would try to rationalize it like "Darla what if this is the only one thing that hold true in the world, you would not dare shrugging it, would you, Darla darling? I'd bet, from the scale of James Yap to my other lovers, you'd take precious time holding it in your hands.  Ha ha" Mga ganoong keme. So kiber kahit maaga pa yung pasok bukas, okay lang kasi at this moment, my hair being wet is the only thing that I hold true in my life. But what's my point exactly? Wala naman. I'm just really waiting for my hair to dry so I can sleep because I have my amazing work to go to tomorrow and for eternity. I love my job. I really do. If it's the only thing I hold true in my life, I wouldn't let go of it, no matter how many times Alanis Morissette says it's pretty "Ironic". Ha ha ! I couldn't count the times I let out a long sigh of disappointment to the world, the frowns, the yawns, and the selfies I took, my picture folder is really embarrassing, Shrek would shriek to it, but again, if these are the only things you hold true in your life, would you even dare countering it? I did. One morning, after a long dragging sleep, I woke up to a start, I stretched, stare at the ceiling for a few seconds, at sa utak ko nabuo ang isang "Nakakasawa na po. Tama na." na drama, but still managed to utter a simple thank you prayer, raised myself up, to my right, I saw a book lying, very lonely on the table. It was the book I received from 2014's Christmas Party titled, "How to be an Explorer of the World" by Keri Smith. I first encountered it in Brainpickings where I usually get motivational shit to get me started in the morning at the office. I wanted it so badly, I added it on my wishlist. It was granted to me pero mga ilang days lang, it lay flat in my bag, in the house, inaalikabukan, walang exposure gaya ng may-ari. So noong isang gabi, feeling its utter loneliness, sa di malamang dahilan, it transcends thru me. Kinuha ko sya then began skimming. May 13 ways raw on how to be an explorer of the world, sabi ni Ateng Keri without the need for that finding yourself shit while traveling habang nilulustay mo ang perang pinagpaguran mo ng maraming taon. Ang argument na pinaglalaban nya is you can do without these travel thingie, kung ang income mo ay hindi naman sapat for travel. Iayon ang pagiging explorer sa income. Parang ganon. So, shall I list it down for you? :) pero I'm pretty sure, mahahanap mo rin sya thru Googling. Pero dahil nagpapatuyo nga ako ng buhok, I will patiently list it down for you na rin. Haha

1. Always be looking (Notice the ground beneath your feet)

2. Consider everything alive and intimate

3. Everything is interesting. Look closer

4. Alter your course often

5. Observe for long durations (and short ones)

6. Notice the stories going on around you

7. Notice patterns. Make connections

8. Document your findings (field notes) in a variety of ways

9. Incorporate indeterminancy

10. Observe movement

11. Create personal dialogue with your environment. Talk to it

12. Trace things back to their origins

13. Use all of the senses in your investigations

After ng preamble na 'to, she listed 59 experiments for a reader to conduct and explore. Really refreshing, if I may say so para sa tamad na tamad na nilalang na kagaya ko. Hindi naman mandatory na gawin lahat ng experiments, kung ano lang ang trip mong gawin at palaguin. This post is a statement na for this year, kung pagpapalain ng kasipagan (haha), this blog from now on will be dedicated to conquer that procrastination and be the explorer Keri Smith wants me to be. Charing. Pero really, from now on, this blog will be my place for the exhibit of some sort sa lahat ng experiments na gagawin ko, starting with Experiment #1 - to write 10 things about where you are sitting which I will post next time, for now observation muna for one to two weeks :) I hope you are with me on this, my dear precious reader. Let's! As if this exploration is the only thing that holds true in our lives! :) Happy exploring. Let's be Dora! With that, I'd say goodnight! x

Luneta Escapade

Hi, how have you been my precious reader of mine? Mine's a train wreck week. I wish to expound and pour my heart out here pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan, even the right words to say something these days are hard to come by. Basta, feeling ko lang parang malapit na 'ko sa point of self-pity, and that's the ultimate thing I would not want to experience ever in my life. Okay, clue. I'm a bit frustrated with how things are going with my career. It's like catching bubbles blow away, gone forever, meaning, I'm in a situation wherein I want that bubble so bad but I would never ever gonna catch because that's the nature of it, it refused to be catch. Ha, I couldn't find the right word. I'm so confused with the path I'm taking right now and I don't know if it's normal for a 24 year old to feel like this, so I refuse to make a decision on things that I need, that I think I to decide on. I once wrote about the feeling of being stuck in the desert with no water on sight. It feels like this all over again. I am left with a very critical decision which I'm not entirely sure if I have the full heart to take and choose; one is to walk away which has always been the case ever since I entered the world of working my ass off like the slave that I think I am, always walking away toward the easiest path where water (skills, growth, recognition, fulfillment, fame, and culture) would not be scarce. But which familiar path do I want to really go and pursue? Even the easiest path is hard to come by these days. File after file of decisions have to be made. What more to others? This may sound so mean and selfish, but sometimes it feels good to listen to the sufferings of other people, it's good to know that they are suffering too, that they are suffering more than I, nakakababa rin ng worry, somehow, for some reason na hindi ko malaman. Very human being, am I? Hehe, but anyways that's how it is. Two would be to remain, stay and be like a tree, forgotten and wasted; endure and wait for the water in a form of rain, rain showers, or whatever form it would be, until it comes, stay. Three is to go forward to the unfamiliar path of nothingness, to search for that water, empty handed.  I am lost in this desert with three decisions. It's bringing my soul down every morning that I wake up. I cried and cried, call it depression if you want. I couldn't accept it so I prayed for the calmness of my soul, of my heart, of my mind, of the world, of the things around me. Fiona Apple didn't answer. So before I go crazy, sabi ko makapunta na nga lang ng Luneta with dear friends to unwind. Haba ng preamble ko pero kesa naman magmukmok at mag-self pity, why not enjoy the gift of life Higher Being bestow upon us, 'di ba? :) Ang refreshing lang mag-feeling teenager ulit at magpalaboy-laboy ng walang direksyon sa lugar na lagi lang naming dinadaanan noon, with nothing to worry, maglakad at pawisan kakapasyal, makakita at makasalubong ng iba't ibang klase ng tao who also chose to enjoy the breath of life from Him, it was exhilarating. Nothing beats the experience of talking about our plans for the future, random things about the nothingness sa ilalim ng kalangitan, kausap ang mga bituin at ang half moon. Ang weirdo no? Pero kesa naman magsulat na naman ng panibagong plano sa 2016 planner at journal na hindi rin naman matutupad, i-YOLO nalang para kunwari mga laking mayaman kami lol. Pero seriously though, I hope by my next post, hindi na 'ko feeling depress at totoong masaya na talaga, walang bahid nang kahit anung sarcasm. :) Pictures nalang ng escapade namin for now. 'Til then, my friend. I hope you're doing real swell in whatever world you are living right now. 

P.S. Strolling in Luneta is hashtag ultimate underrated fun :) nakakakalma ng puso ang ganda nya, try mo lang minsan beh. lels.

Today is another day.

Ang sarap sa puso ng 7-8 hours na tulog sabayan ko pa ng paglaklak ng dalawa o tatlong basong tubig kada oras. Marami pa sana akong gustong sabihin at palalimin pero sa weekend na lang. Basta today, I'm just happy being single, free and being alive :) Now Playing: Bluebird by Cristina Perri lol

Ano ang Pangarap Mo?

Anung pangarap mo? Tanung nya. Sabi ko, simple lang naman. Ang magising ako isang umaga na katabi kita sa higaan, nakasandig ang ulo ko sa mga braso mo, sinasabayan ang bawat daloy ng paghinga mo, pinapakinggan sa tenga ang tibok ng puso mo, yakap kita ng mahigpit at binubulong ang mga katagang ilang taon ko rin kinimkim sa mga labi ko, "mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita"... 

Sunday.

Sa panaginip ko niyayakap raw kita ng mahigpit na mahigpit, hinahalikan ko raw ang pisngi mo, at binulong ang mga ito sa tenga mo, "Mahal na mahal na mahal kita na mahal kita pero alam kong masaya ka na sa piling nya" habang nagpipigil ng mga luhang pumatak sa mga pisngi ko. Hindi ko na nalaman kong ano ang naging reaksyon mo, kung hinalikan mo rin ang mga pisngi ko at tinugon ang mahigpit na yakap ko dahil sa sandaling iyon nagising na 'ko, buti nalang kasi ayokong makita sa mga mata mo ang larawan ng pagmamahal mo sa kanya. Ang sakit sakit ng puso ko paggising ko, mga ilang minuto ring nakatulala sa kawalan, walang ganang kumain, maya maya naisipang magbukas ng internet at parusan ang sarili sa kakapanood ng mga romantic korean movies. Ang sakit mong mahalin. Tama na, ayaw ko na, nakakapagod kang mahalin. 

Para Sa'yo na Darating Palang

Matagal ko nang pangarap magpa-tattoo, alam mo ba 'yon? Bakit? Wala lang, para mag-mukhang cool, para masabihan na, "uy ang astig may tattoo ka" pero higit sa lahat para maranasan ko naman masaktan, ng iba, ng hindi ko pamilya, kapatid o kamag-anak, kahit doon man lang, hanggang sa dumating ka. Sabi ko 'pag pumatak ako sa edad na bente singko at wala ka pa rin sa buhay ko, iyon na ang tamang panahon. This year na ang tamang panahon, October 5 2016, ilang buwan nalang from now. Hindi ko alam kung ihohold ko ba ang pa-cool na planong 'to o mag-aantay hanggang sa dumating ka at sasamahan mo akong maisakatuparan ang pa-cool whim na ito, bakit kasi ang tagal mo. Napakasama ko bang nilalang at hindi ka pinapasok pasok sa buhay ko? Anung misteryo ang nababalot sa magiging buhay pag-ibig ko. Pero anyways, ayokong magmukmok at mag-self pity, okay lang, take your time, at least di ba may tattoo akong maipagmamayabang pagdating na pagdating mo sa buhay ko na "O! Tingnan mo, para sayo 'tong pina-tattoo na 'to!" 

Kilala mo ba si Antoinette Jadaone? Magaling na writer at director 'yon, sa kanya ako unang nagka-ediya kung ano ang ipapa-tattoo. Okay ba sayo ang "nanalig, umibig, lumigaya?" Ang cool di ba? Hindi ko pa nga lang alam kung saang parte ng katawan ko ipapalagay pero sabi ko sa sarili ko few months ago na "Yan na! Swak na swak 'to sa pag-aantay ko sayo. Desidido na 'ko." Nawasak lahat 'yon nang dumating ang pelikulang Walang Forever starring Jericho Rosales at Jennylyn Mercado. Siguro kung makaharap tayo ngayon at totoong naguusap, itatanung mo sakin kung bakit parang lahat ng plano ko eh based sa kung ano ang nakikita ko, sa kung ano ang uso. Wala kang pake. Ang tagal mo eh. Take me for what I'm worth. Shit, sorry, I don't want this to be our first quarrel. Pero ikaw kasi. No, don't talk back please. Let me finish. 

Pinanood ko ang Walang Forever, sa ayaw mo ma't kung ano. What's your argument? Wala ka eh, ang tagal mo. And I'm pretty sure wherever you are right now, ramdam ko na pinanood mo rin tong movie na 'to either magisa ka kasi cool off kayo ng current girlfriend mo o ayaw nyang sumama sa'yo kasi ayaw nya nang mga salitang nagsisimula sa "wala". If I were you, break with her, she's not for you, I'll tell you. Pero I would like to think, I'm hoping na you're very happy with your life right now, kasi ayokong dumating ka sa buhay ko na punong puno nang pighati na tila ba dumating lang ako sa buhay mo by pure chance, by accident, or out of luck. I want you to know also na I'm thriving, very hard, to make mine as happy as it can be kasi I want it to be a "meant to be" for us. Ayoko nang may reservations, ayoko. Live your life, be happy, and I'll do the same. If we are ready, let's meet. I'll set the date for you. Hmm, let's see, okay ba sayo ang October 5, 2016. 7PM, Adamson University Walkway? Note that I've never came early in any meet ups because being an early bird brings me pressure na hindi ko maintidihan, so I always make it late as much as I can, pero para sayo I will come early. But then who am I kidding with all these meet up bullshit, the world doesn't work this way. I'm getting over myself, sorry. And I'm getting over something more powerful than myself, or yourself, or this Pia Wurztbach universe. Ayoko ko Syang pangunahan. Note na this is the only "ayaw" that I can't prioritize, the rest I can, with you, because we are meant for each other like that.

Madaldal ako, pansin mo? And pretty much a gullible one, madaling ma-sidetrack ng mga spur in the moments flow of the current. Deal with me on that, or mold me. Do I have to emphasize that I am with the most self centered being you will ever meet. See, na-sidetrack na naman sa ibang topic, when in the first place eh gusto ko lang naman ikwento, sabihin at ipaalam sa'yo na nagbago na 'yong isip ko sa "nanalig, umibig, lumigaya". Itatago ko nalang muna 'yon hanggang sa ikasal na tayo at may tatlo na tayong mga anak. Wishful thinking, I know. Pero anyways, naisip ko ito after watching Walang Forever kung saan nakakuha ako ng bagong ideya, kung saan tingin ko mas swak na swak para sa paghihintay ko sa'yo, walang iba kundi ang "Para Sa'yo na Darating Palang", ipapasulat ko ito in cursive sa parte nang katawan ko kung saan kitang kita mo malayo palang. 

Sa ganitong paraan, hindi ako magkakamaling umibig sa maling lalaki, o ma-pressure sa pagkakaroon ng kasintahan kasi lahat ng kakilala ko either kasal na o may anak na, sa ganitong paraan, hindi ako makakasakit ng damdamin ng ibang lalaki, sa ganitong paraan, sure ako na may isang lalaki sa malawak na mundong 'to na magmamahal sakin, na may para sa'kin na nilaan na darating palang. x