Oh no it didn't

The ever lame post of "Dahil sa katamaran kong kumilos, natapos ko rin sa wakas basahin ang napakahabang libro na Gone with the Wind." or you can read a longer version of it because nothing's ever been simple, so let's make it as complex as possible haha shall we...

So... 

Hi, again! Have you ever been asked, "what have you accomplished this year?" or have you asked this yourself lately? I do. I did. Constantly. And it's an ever frustrating question which always put a frown and a cloud over my face. I'm twenty four and I still have this notion of "I can change the world" through doing something significant. That's how idealistic I am. But when it comes to really doing it, I'll give out a sigh and just procrastinate my way out of it. Have you ever felt that? "It's a pretty load shit to change the world, much less change your ways or your perspectives on a lot of things about life. Changing ways of life is a one huge sacrifice, see" a peering old lady might say. But shoo away that, I see some people my age from different walks of life have become a "something" of this or that; either they have established themselves a business that they have always desire, created something wonderful that could change the future of the young ones, or started building their family, getting married, getting pregnant, or have traveled to different countries and cities they've always dream to be, or simply materialized the "this is the someday that I have been waiting for". 

Where was I during it? What was I doing to accomplished this "someday is the day" goal? Simply put, I was in the corner reading about the success of others. Yes, reading. An aspiring astronaut would call it star gazing, but I will call it reading. Reading always take me far off; I have become a successful businessman, I have created something wonderful to humankind, I have built my own family, become a man, become a woman, got pregnant, become a child, I have traveled so may countries and cities I could ever dream of, all at once, just by reading. With that, I could say that "Yes! I have become something this year, from the day God bestow upon me a talent, a passion that could be my lifetime accomplishment which could never be taken away from me even if I go blind, it will stay with me forever!" 

I realized this just recently : most people can read the I way read, but not most people can write the way I write. I have my tender spots, yes, but my lack of coherence on anything unreasonable in life, like, uh, say math, I make up for reading and writing. This is how I survived. I survived my family's confusion on why I read so much. I survived my brother's contempt of it once. I could never forget the time when he threw the book I was reading outside our house because it has been days since I moved around the house. I've survived singlehood at twenty four/ I survived not having to call someone a boyfriend. I've sacrificed going out with my friends for a stay at home reading because ATM my soul exist somewhere else. Reading is what I have become, a procrastinator, a lazy being afraid of the world, but it made me become a writer, or want to become a writer. But the existence of graduation, that "you're done from this fucking expensive four year college, let's see what you've got" diploma staring you in the face, the peer pressure, the slaving, the thriving to "become something else" the world dictates, the monotonous and very routine work have somehow distinguished some of that fire. 

But no, oh it didn't t'ning into ashes, it will n'ver eve' happen. Why, I just finished readin' off a very long complex book like Gone with the Wind. It sure was a self accomplishment, see.

The Quest for Bebelove

So, after two HBO movies sa bago naming flatscreen tv na napanalunan ko as major raffle prize sa Christmas Party ng office na note, 50 inches, note ulit baka hindi mo nabasa ng matino: 50 inches! haha!!! One post on Instagram, social media scrolling, one glass of wine and too much intake of calories, here I am to post something about our first ever experience spending Christmas day outdoor. Yes, we made an effort to go out and it was too hilarious not to share. Kailangan ko talaga ng isang araw na bwelo kasi isang pagsubok ang dinanas ng pamilya ko mapanood lang ang movie na 'to. Yung gusto kong magmura kung bakit ba naisipan naming panoorin ang pelikula na 'yon, yung mag-effort palang na lumabas ng bahay at makipagsapalaran sa siksikang mall in the first place, dun palang napapamura na'ko eh as I reflect haha pero baka may makabasa na fan so 'wag nalang haha at ginusto naman namin yun tsaka kasama ko naman yung pamilya ko during that experience, so okay lang, we ended up laughing about it afterwards. So here we go. Ang backstory: Since the phenomenal breakout of "Aldub" of Eat Bulaga's segment called Kalyeserye featuring Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza, yung Nanay at Tatay ko pati pinsan at pamangkin ko iba yung pagka-humaling, like most of its fans. I have to admit even I hopped in on the bandwagon. For a while, at least until it feels like, sorry but for lack of a better term, it's like eating a liempo or a bubblegum that lost its taste as I chew. But my heart still aches for Alden haha crush na crush ko na sya kindergarten palang. Charot. Haha! 

Simula nang Aldub na yan, walang pinapalampas na episodes yung mga magulang ko, news about aldub alam nila yan, walang makakapigil sa kanila ika nga ng mga pabebe girls, yung pamangkin ko lahat ng commercials, billboards humaling na humaling hahaha yung papakantahin ka at pipilitin kang panoorin ang commercial nila, it was adorable. Eh dumating 'tong movie na 'to, My Bebelove #KiligPaMore, sabi ko "ay tiyak hindi sila papayag na mapalampas 'to! Hindi pwede!" So I took the initiative haha not knowing the sacrifice (read: pagsubok) afterwards charing haha naisipan kong yayain silang manood on Christmas Day. Maliban sa Kuya kong ang hobby bukod sa pagiging sikat na barefoot runner, ay ang matulog nang matulog habang may pagkakataon, na nag-react nang "seryoso kayo diyan?" at sa usual antics, "Kayo nalang" ng Tatay ko, wala namang nag big no vehemently, wow. So go kaming lahat, yung tatay at nanay ko, yung oldest brother ko with Ate Carol and their Clark, then Marvy, yung pinsan kong humaling na humaling rin, tapos ako. Sayang nga at wala pa roon yung pamilya ng isa ko pang kuya. Para mas maging wild ang experience! Haha. Aware naman kaming madami talagang tao sa mall tuwing Pasko, pero hindi pa namin nae-experience kung gaano kadami yung volume, yung hinayupak na level ng tao na dadagsa sa mall ng Pasko, sanay kami sa bahay lang, kumain ng kumain ng kumain. Ganun. Kaya push kami carebear kayong mga tao kayo manonood kami ng My Bebelove #KiligPamore walang makakapigil sa'min! Yan ang motto ng pamilya ko kahapon.

Pucha, eh byahe palang effort na. Sakay ng jeep pami-pamilya na may kargang mga bata, from four years old to one month old! Juskopo! Anung alam nyan sa Aldub. And to think na nasa kabihasnan na kami ng lagay na yun. Magmumula kami ng Carmona papuntang SM Sta. Rosa. Who would think na ganun?! Akala ko sa City lang ang hype ganyan. Sa byahe palang nakakapagod na, wala kasing derecho na sakayan papunta doon so we have to hop in and out sa jeep bago makarating sa mall. Yung may makakasabay ka na nanay na may dala dalang apat na bata sa pagsakay ng jeep na hindi nakahinto ng maayos tapos bigla silang bababa ulit kasi puno na tapos makakasalubong mo sila habang ikaw at kayo ng mga kasama mong mandirigma papaakyat tapos yung jeep hindi maayos yung paghinto kasi pala nasa maling hintuan sya na nangangahulugan na nasa maling sakayan rin kayo, mga ganung eksena te. Napaka-delikado kahit ako nag-panic na nakakaawa na nakakatawa makakita at maging part sa ganoong klaseng situation. Tapos loko loko yung kuya ko kung makatawa pero 'yon lang ginawa namin sa jeep nung nakasakay na kami ng maayos. Kasi kesa naman maghimutok di ba, itawa nalang.

Culture shock ang tao sa SM Sta. Rosa. Not to say yung amoy sa bawat corners. Ibang klase, parang ayoko na nga i-push 'tong blog update na 'to kasi naalala ko at ayaw ko nang maalala hahaha!! Pagpasok palang punong-puno nang tao ang mga kainan, department store, kahit saan ka sumuot may tao. Kaya derecho kami agad sa sinehan. Shit just turned real ang experience. Just imagine yung pila, siguro from Zapote to Alabang, pucha di ba? Tapos one cinema showing lang. Pucha talaga. Tiningnan ko yung mga magulang ko, medyo nalungkot siguro sila, kasi kahit ako nga pag may gustong gusto ako, nadi-disappoint na na parang "me against the world" perspective agad pag hindi ko nakukuha o nagagawa yung gusto kong gawin, yun pa kaya na simpleng pagnood lang ng favorite Aldub nila. Pero nakaka-overwhelm kasi talaga yung pila eh, ang nasabi ko nalang, "Mag All I Want is Pag-Ibig nalang tayo, gusto 'nyo?" hindi sila umimik agad, maya maya sabi ng nanay ko, "sa ibang araw nalang tayo, wala na sigurong pila sa linggo". Take that Aldub! If ever man na magpasabog kayo ng loyalty award, sana naman maging candidate yung magulang ko. Justice! Haha. 

Naisipan nalang ni Ate Carol na bilhan si Clark ng laruan sa Toy Section ng Department Store gamit ang pinaskuhan na 100 pesos na binigay kay Clark habang nakatambay kami sa gate ng kapitbahay ni Papa habang nagaantay ng tricycle palabas bago ang mall escapade. Christmas feel talaga! Loneliest feeling in the world not being considered a child anymore during Christmas season. Yung age ko hindi na swak sa 100 pesos level, sobrang heartbreaking. Shala sa drama haha but moving forward, hindi na kami sumama sa pagbili ng laruan kasi napakasikip ng mundo sa SM Sta. Rosa, kumain nalang kami ng halo halo sa razons para lumamig yung mga ulo namin haha (note: first time naming kumain ng halo halo sa razons na buo buo ang yelo like gaaaa will this day turn right ever like for once?!) Anyways, katabi ng SM Sta. Rosa ang SM Robinsons or Robinsons or whatever you call it, come to think of it, magandang idea ang ipagdikit nalang sana ang SM at Robinsons para hindi na kami mahirapan na tagapanood ng crappy movies during MMFF kakalakad para alamin kung mahaba ang pila ng isang sikat na crappy movie na entry sa MMFF kasi pukang ama nyo, nilakad namin from SM Sto. Rosa to Robinsons, mapanood lang kayo. You have to take me seriously and do it! Haha. Nag-decide kaming lakarin nalang kasi ayaw parin naman naming umuwi kasi effort yung byahe, habang naglalakad kami tanaw namin sa left side ang napakagandang scenery na magpapaala sayo ng mga patayan scenes or rape scenes na uso sa mga makalumang Filipino films, sa right side naman medyo highway, puro alikabog, tapos mainit, ganun ka-effort, Quest for Bebelove talaga ang peg. Pagdating pa namin sa sinehan ng Robinsons may nakasagutan kaming kamukha ni Madam Auring na may pagkakahawig rin sa mga babaeng nangmomodus na nakikita natin palagi sa 24 Oras at TV Patrol, na-imagine mo? Beware, baka maka-experience ka rin na ganyan na ganyan din ang description. Hahaha! Pero it turned out na aldub fans lang din sila ng anak nya na willing to fight for their rights, kahit gaano man kababaw ang rights na pinaglalaban nila. Well, hindi rin kami nagpatalo! Fans din kami eh! I mean, yung nanay at tatay ko. Haha so nakipagtalo rin kami. Pumunta kami dun with a motto "Walang makakapigil samin!" kahit mukhang Madam Auring ka pa, wala kaming pake! Nakakatakot no? Medyo bothering na rin. Like what are we turning into just for this Aldub thing? Haha pero what the heck, it was fun.

Tiniis namin yon kasi medyo tolerable ang pila kesa sa una naming pinuntahan. Nakipagsapalaran kaming lumabas around 2PM, nakanood kami ng mga 5PM. Was it worth it? Yes, definitely because I was with my family. And it was one hell of a first time experience especially during Christmas. I'm sure it will definitely our last haha! I couldn't imagine anybody doing it for the second time. Grabe lang 'yon. How about the movie? You may ask with that know it all lopsided smirk. Well, it was a laugh. But it was a trash for my standard :) no artist will ever be a part of it. Not without a specific "I can change the world" purpose. Just no. And the egoistic "A film by" was overly written. Gaaaa. JUST NO.

So there, that was our Christmas 2015. How's yours? :)

A sucker for anything romance

Hi, dear reader of mine. How you doing? I've been meaning to post two weeks ago about some crap self have been into but procrastination got the best of me, no surprise there eh? How consistent. Blame it on social media as well, I couldn't count the scrolls I've been making everyday of my life, on Facebook, on Instagram, on Twitter. Such a waste. Nalipasan nalang yung mga ikukwento ko dapat dito. Pero I will try to post everything here one at a time, however crappy those things are haha really hard to balance consistency and procrastination, but for the chance of changing the world of somebody out there (who am I kidding haha it's just me trying to change me haha), I will! Haha naks. Anyways, two weeks ago or one week ago or I don't know, would you know? Haha basta some days ago I was surfing on Youtube for something to watch and my aching heart happened to stumble upon this romance anime titled "Wolf Girl and Black Prince", it's an anime series consist with 24 episodes, it took only 1 episode to get me hooked. It was shallow, yes, perhaps but who cares, I got a thing for all things romance, however ironic it may sound. If you do as well, here's my list of anime romance that's good to watch this holiday season :) 

1. Whisper of the Heart - This Studio Ghibli produced is all about finding a man at such a tender age na makakasama mong mangarap at tuparin ang pangarap na 'yon. Naka-relate ako kay Shizuku, the main character in the movie, she loves to read, Wikipedia calls her a "bookworm", and a keen writer herself but lacks confidence on her writings. That typical girl. Then she met a man who happens to love reading as well and appreciates everything that breathes 'art". Bakit ganun! Napaka-unfair. Charing. Anyways, isa sa catch ng movie is yung kantang "Take me Home, Country Roads", may nostalgia. 

2. The Girl Who Leapt Through Time - kung saan nag-originate ang quote na "Time Waits for No One". It's a famous anime movie na magpapaisip sayong, "shet bakit ngayon ko lang pinapanood ito!!!" Obvious naman sa title na it's a girl (Makoto) who time travel or "time-leap" or yung nako-control nya yung oras backward forward and what not. One memorable / catchy scene was the riding in the bike scene / love confession scene of her best friend, Chiaki Mamiya to her. It was sweet. It was painful. Watch it for yourself :) my single heart ached after watching it. 

3. 5 centimeters per second - The typical boy meets girl or the girl meets boy pero sa bandang dulo hindi parin nag-work out. Nakaka-frustrate. Maiintindihan mo ang salitang "yearning" sa iba't ibang angulo according kung saang perspective among the characters ka makaka-relate. Kay Kanae Kumida ako naka-relate. That girl who loves someone, yearn for him but jsut couldn't express it. Arte. Haha! 

4. Wolf Girl and Black Prince & Special A - your typical anime, yes but I'm really a sucker for anything romance. I crave for it. I love reading about it, I love watching it, I love how characters conquer it in ways that I don't haha Wolf Girl and Black Prince is a special catch. Naiyak ako halfway through it. Minsan pala kailangan mong magpakatanga sa pag-ibig to fully understand it. Ansabe? Haha.

So there! :) Let me know what you think of it, you might have recommendations as well, would really appreciate that, yun eh kung may nagbabasa nga nito haha but here's my email, vanessarosales.05@gmail,com email me!

Disclaimer: All photos and GIFs are Google Images. Courtesy / Credit to the original owners. :) 

Disclaimer: Forgive the crappy english haha 

9 x 4.

Does solving a simple numerical reasoning makes me a math wizard?! Hahaha. Just computed this math problem : "Adding twice the number to the difference of thrice the number and 4 is just like subtracting 10 from three times the product of half of the number and 4. Find the number." Among five choices, I chose "6" as the fucking number. It was hard on the nine times 4 though hahaha but a pat to you self! Goodness, you really are doing it! Lol what a lonely kid. 

Experience : An overstatement

It's been two weeks already since that nerve-wracking, almost soul shattering experience of being the master of ceremony for a two day formal gathering, and up until now, it's still reeling in my head, repeatedly replaying all that sweaty in the hand kind of experience in my head, whenever I do, I would smirk or twitch to myself, or go make an excuse to the bathroom just to sit in the bowl for a while (I'm so thankful for every bowl in the bathroom who swore to flushing secrecy), and curse myself, or the rest of the world for being such a know it all bunch of critics. Constructive criticism, my ass. Who are you kidding. But in any ways, it was one hell of an experience. Another fearful demon of "You can't do it!" had been shoo  away, at least during that experience. Hosting or speaking eloquence in a room full of people has never been one of my passions, or virtues for that matter. I took up Mass Communication in college because I love reading, and way back, I was thinking, perhaps taking the course was the way to the future of becoming this great mills and boon, harlequin kind of writer. During that four years, not only that I learn to appreciate more of it as a serious (as well as very maddening to the point where you just want to procrastinate just like this one) passion, I was also able to appreciate the art of acting, besides writing essays and productions, it was one subject I truly had hang ups with. I would enjoy waking up in the morning to go to class knowing I would be learning new things about the subject. Acting is like reading or writing for me, you get to escape from your "self". It wasn't philosophical, it was just the way I feel about it, up until now. But never did I learn to appreciate whatever art exist in public speaking, or being the master of ceremony to any gatherings, or speaking AS YOURSELF in a podium with a mic with all these cynical people looking at you, watching your every move for mistake. In college it was okay because, well, I thought it was just for the grades. Never did I imagine doing it for the purpose of a job. I won't go into details with every emotions I felt to every criticisms I've heard during and after that. It wasn't my passion, after all. But still it was given to me because all my boss saw something in me, that I can do it, so it was important to me that I would do at least good at it. One of the best things about it? When one or two or three of your mentors (aka bosses) shake your hand as their way of saying, "good job!", not to say a lesson of believing in and with myself more. It made me think of the potential I can make. It sure was a "for a fleeting moment there I thought I could do great things in this world" kind of experience. But take all the criticism that you can take, savor it, until you can't take it anymore haha man, I can't even imagine the lives of all these famous prominent people, must so hard to sleep at night. 

It got me all drained after it was done. 

Courage.

How do I say "I love you" to the person who doesn't love me back? Can I use a hashtag in order for him to feel it? 

Atychiphobia

Self is currently reviewing for the Civil Service Exam on Sunday (highlighting it in capital so as to give it a super duper high importance to let it feel how badly I want it to let me pass lol), on the analogy part, I stumble upon these various words I've never heard utter or even read before in my life, not once. Only now. It was amazing how I feel so braggy (is this even a word, I can't be sure anymore) about what I already know but stumbling on these words, I feel like an ignorant 5th grader, learning all these words like it's the first time. It is the first time. One memorable word is this "Atychiphobia" or the abnormal, unwarranted, and persistent fear of failure that often leads to constricted lifestyle, and is particularly devastating for its effect on a person's willingness to attempt certain activities. Like how the hell do these linguistics or whatever they are called came up with that! Just let me pass! And I ain't wonder no more!

"That Time of the Month"

Wrote this utter crap yesterday. What was on my mind? I didn't cry but but my annoyance got me more than an eight hour worth of sleep, do I say my thanks? -> This is one of those "that time of the month" when I want to punch somebody on the mouth so hard just for the heck of it, and I want to lie down in bed after, just stare out at the utter nothingness of nothing, and cry over this uncontrollable, hard to explain piss that I'm currently having. The world offers no comfort, none at all. Not even a simple nudge of assurance of "just a little while, you little piece of shit you". Nothing. In fact, it conspires to do anything and everything to piss and annoy you even more. I'm about to burst from so much annoyance, I want to cry at the same time. What is this feeling. <- In my head right now is this lists of all things to avoid or lessen for a while. Repeatedly listing and re-listing it in my head, lest I forget, which happens often by the way, are the following list. Might be of help to whoever is reading right now.

1) More sleep, please, Self? Can you do that? I dare you to do that. Just that. Do I need to ask more? More? Can you sleep at 9 or 10PM everyday? 

2) Less Facebook. Yes, Facebook. And nothing else. Nothing else matter except that, at least in your life right now. So can you at least try to just breath far from it for a while? Just for a while? Until this "that time of the month" turmoil stops.

3) Drink water. Lots of water. Have mercy on your cheeks marked now with pimples.

4) Buy that Ginger or Lemongrass tea one of your chef friend recommended to lessen belly fats. Not just buy, by the way, try to drink it as well.

5) Stay away from crappy friends for a while. No two crappy people are bound to do good things. Your friends are crappy, you is crappy. Why the hell should you meet? 

6) Do not be too serious about this list. But be serious about spending your time wisely this time. Don't make an effort unless there's really a need to do it. 

7) Be strong on your convictions, but you have no convictions, so stay like that. Don't be too mainstream about it. 

8) Can you Ssssshhhh for like a while and just stop talking and listen?  

9) Can you do it?

10)